You Can Always Go Back to the Ocean
I fucked up again. I avoided writing because I was afraid it wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be, and then it was nothing at all. Fear stopped me from telling the world that I’m angry. All I can think about with each news cycle is that no one wants to hear about how pissed that I am but fuck it, some of you weirdos are just as livid as I am so let’s do this.
Throughout this pandemic, I’ve learned more about my closest people. I learned that my husband exclusively showers when he changes his clothes. One night he said, ‘ Okay, I’m going to go take a shower, then workout, then shower again, it’s going to be weird.’ And. It Was. I realized that my best friend has this specific strength for setting up systems. She’s like C3PO, she’s a fuckin protocol droid. I always thought close relationships were about that sitcom moment when you know their drink order or you hold out their tie because you knew they’d forget it, turns out humans are more complex than that. My favorite ah-ha moment was realizing that my sister gets angry! I remember thinking she was mean when I was a kid but I thought that was just because she was in charge and she wouldn’t let me go to Sarah’s house. For most of my adult life I have seen her calm side. I adore this indignant side of her, she goes on these rants and it’s oddly comforting to hear someone agree that the world is shit. I don’t know if it’s the fact that she has been running a covid unit or if she has just been in closeted fury* this whole time. It makes me feel validated in my own anger. When the gun store owner talks about the recent shooting and how he’s getting more business, call your sister! When your high risk Dad has been exposed to covid two weeks before he’s scheduled to get a vaccination, call your sister! When you drop one of the good dumplings on the floor, call your sister! I think if more people had a sister like mine, the world would be a better place.
There is a fucked up stigma for women expressing anger. We get told that we’re too emotional. It doesn’t help that my anger manifests as tears. As I type this, two drunk dudes in LODO are screaming in each other’s faces, no masks, over the last nacho eyeing his girlfriend who said he was a little bitch or something, but yeah I’m emotional. At least when I get angry I just cry and call my sister, fuck. Oh and I drive too fast, I’m working on that one.
Honestly I’m angry in my grief. Grief for the year we could have had, grief from having lost people, and grief for my loss of faith in humanity. RIP. I have noticed a shift in perspective, and I don’t think it’s just me. When I walk out my door, I look for signs that strangers are not good people. I actively search for that signal to stay away from Assholes. The guy with the mask that reads, ‘this mask is about as useless as our governor’, I love it when people wear anti-mask sentiments on their masks, at least you’re wearing it dude. I eavesdrop a little harder, I walk a little quicker, I’m slower to smile. I miss spilling coffee on my shirt, looking up to see if anyone noticed, making eye contact with a stranger and laughing with them. I miss making jokes with women in line for the bathroom. I miss sitting in a full audience and feeling safe, from covid, and from shootings, that has been much longer than a year. I have a tough time resisting playing that game, the Find the Asshole Game**. I have a tough time letting go when someone says something antagonistic or even if someone is standing too close to me. I don’t even say anything I just torture myself with this anger that won’t quit. I have my argument with them while I’m in the shower, replaying what I should have said, wasting time and energy in irate stasis.
So I asked my people, people that I’m learning more from every day. I asked my people how they deal with their anger and here are their responses:
Em: I can only focus on today. My tendency is to make these big plans but the truth is, I can only control what I do today.
Taryn: I think of the ocean and I try to match my breathing to that. It’s kind of like meditating. I just remember, I can always go back to the ocean.
Jon: I remove myself from the situation. I try to think about why people did or said what they did. Understanding it logically helps me to calm down.
One common theme that I found among my friend’s dealing with their own anger is the process of checking yourself. Literally calling yourself out, out loud. Taryn said that when she’s frustrated and worried she’ll say to herself, ‘I DON’T CARE!’ and ‘NOT MY PROBLEM’! I love it so much. Instead of, stop worrying, or keep calm, she literally yells a statement that directly counteracts her anxiety and that shit is amazing. Em told me that she makes up stories in her head of what people might be thinking or arguments that may come up. She said, she will say, out loud, ‘You are telling yourself stories’. Actually she said, she sings ‘You’re Making Things Up Again’ from Book of Mormon. I realized that my biggest anxiety comes from deciding what people think about me, based on comments or looks even. I’ve made a list of shit to say to myself when I get pissed or scared:
I’M NOT A MIND READER!! (This one helps the most)
No one thinks about you (Oddly comforting)
You can do whatever you want
I know you thought she said ‘cake’ but she really said ‘fake’ so stop ignoring her story because you can’t stop thinking about cake
You are currently driving, please save this made up argument for the shower
Pizza is a vegetable, the government was right
THINK OF THE OCEAN! HEEEEEEEEEEEE SHEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! BREATHE BITCH!!
What I do when I remember:
-I write down what I’m grateful for: My people and their positive influence. I’m grateful that I know myself better now and that I don’t mold myself to others’ expectations anymore. I’m grateful for the stories that I have been told and the positive way that they have shifted my perspective.
I’m about to pull a Mr. Rogers here but I’d like to use my time today to ask you to do those small things that make a big impact for yourself and your people, those things that you can only control today. Thank you for reading. Please know that I do still have faith in you, humans, even if you’ve fucked up.
* Closeted Fury. Dibs that band name.
**Not just a game you play at church camp, band camp, when you’re trying to spice it up in the bedroom after five years of dating and no proposal, Estes Park High School.