Don’t Fail-Shame Me, Man
I think you should do it. Barring something that is morally wrong or encouraged by a News Max newscaster*, I think you should do the thing. Some people will have you believe that only an elite group of people can master their thing but the truth is, anyone can do what they do. Anyone can do what they do, and I’ll even go as far to say that you absolutely should. Anyone can climb Mount Everest, well not everyone because it costs a Tesla Semi to get up that fucking mountain. Climate change is making the terrain even more treacherous. You’d have to train, climbing fourteeners at higher and higher altitudes to build up to it. You’d have to have the money to travel around training. Do you see what I’m saying? It’s a rare feat because there are societal, environmental, and economic barriers, not necessarily because only the rare few have been graced by God with the strength. Anyone can do what they do**. You might not have the same work ethic, same love for it or their unique perspective and approach to it but you are allowed. People need to stop defining their success by the failure of others.
It’s only a competition if everyone involved enters. Like, having cool hair, you can make that a competition but don’t rope other people into competitions they never entered. Worry about yourself. If someone else sucks and you don’t want to be like them, don’t. Learn from others sure, but defining your self worth by being better than others is fucking stupid. Let’s look at the comparison standard for measurement. This piece of toast can’t ride a motorcycle. I AM BETTER THAN TOAST!! I am taller than these ants, compared to them I’m a God. I AM A FUCKIN GOD! They’re only justifying what they want to think to try to make themselves feel better.
Other ways to measure your success:
How about your dick?
How many onesies can you crochet?
Does your Mom think you’re successful?
When was the last time you showered?
Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?
Does doing the thing give you a terrible feeling in your gut?
Would the Obama portrait artist*** want to sketch you?
Would a stranger laugh at your jokes?
How many Redditors invested in your shit?
Another suggestion, be brave and curious. If you learn more about these people you think are so far below you, you might learn that you aint shit.
Don’t fail-shame me! No one has ever accused me of being Best Dressed. I just bought a pink jumpsuit, one size fits all, in the Juniors section and I have already worn that shit in public. I’m 100% sure that I have been used by acquaintances, loved ones, strangers, anyone with working eyes, as a comparison to make themselves feel better about the way they dress. I don’t dress to be the best though. I dress for three reasons:
Be comfortable
Feel pretty and confident
Entertain myself
Sometimes a pink jumpsuit accomplishes all three.
I know this is a revolutionary thought but some people like failing! Unless you refuse to enjoy yourself until you accomplish something, you like failing too bitch. You do. Sometimes failing is fun. Look at karaoke. I wish more of life could be like karaoke. You know that scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding when Julia Roberts forces Cameron Diaz to sing and she cry-rattles “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself” and she wins over the crowd? That’s my whole life. Some of it is the first half of the song when people are confused and yelling that she sucks and some of my life is the second half when she wins over the crowd. Think of the times in your life when you’ve had the most fun. Were you killing it or were you laughing as you fell on your face? Your life is the 9000 times you tried something, not just after you mastered it. I’m not saying, don’t work hard, don’t practice. Work your ass off, but enjoy that work. Don’t take in the shit that people spew to make themselves feel better about not doing their work. From what I’ve seen of incredibly talented people, it’s not their specialness that makes them so good, it’s the fact that they work their ass off to fully immerse you in their work. You can’t deny the quality of their work because so much care, thought and hard work went into it.
I knew a guy who used to plan out every conversation before we’d start. It was like he wanted to have his conversations mastered so he would sound cool and not mess anything up. Unfortunately for him, those conversations were with me, a tangent artist. I could tell he planned conversations because I’d go off on a joke**** and he couldn’t improvise. He’d get upset that I was messing up the script. He was like that with everything. You could tell he would practice dance moves, jokes he found online, arguments he found online, his whole life so he wouldn’t ever have to be seen as flawed. You’re allowed to be flawed. It’s cool. You’re not alone. Embarrassment, that feeling of being wrong, well it doesn’t really go away but I promise it eases when you’re not constantly burdened to keep it at bay.
General side note: I genuinely don’t want my point misconstrued to be the same as, “People think I’m an Asshole so I guess I’ll just accept that I’m an Asshole”. That’s bullshit and you know it. I think two things about this:
If people keep saying you’re an Asshole. Think about what BEHAVIORS you could possibly change. Don’t identify with your shitty behavior like it’s your fucking personality.
If you have been an Asshole recently, own up to it. Change your BEHAVIOR. Don’t identify with it like it’s your fucking personality.
*Propaganda Robot
**I know what you’re going to ask. Do I think I could climb Mt Everest? Fuck yes. If I had 24 months off work and the money to travel back and forth climbing the world’s tallest and most treacherous mountains all the time. If I had the resources to be constantly training in elite Boulder gyms. If I had the money to hire guides and sherpas. If I really wanted to risk dying after spending the last sixty days of my life frigid and exhausted, risk my body being preserved by the frozen harsh tundra for others to pass as they attempt their climbs until the Earth warms enough for my body to disintegrate into dust... Fuck yeah, you bet I could do that shit.
***Shepard Fairey
****Unimportant, boring tangent.
I would like to conclude with a quiz:
What Type of Fuck Up are You?
A quiz more about your reactions to successes, failures, and random bullshit. This quiz assumes that you are a fuck up because you are.
“He who is without fuck ups is literally me” -Jesus, a person whose fuck ups are debatable
Your friend tells you they might need a day off. You….
Shame them for hating their job. Explain why you love your job so much.
Tell them you work in sub zero temperatures for months, no days off and anyone who won’t do this is a Lincoln lovin pussy snowflake.
Get real verbose about the necessity of jobs anyway.
One up them with the severity of your need for a day off and the worse conditions in which you work.
Validate your friend for needing one fucking day to themselves.
Your friends invite you to a karaoke bar. You..
Choose the slow one that you know shows off your voice but is incredibly boring for everyone else.
sing ‘Tequila’ because you’re an incel.
Sing ‘I’m a Creep’
Tell your friends you’ll go up after you drink six or seven more. You get real drunk and never step foot on stage.
Sing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
You get a new haircut and you’re not sure how you feel about it. You…
Get on instagram and search #badhaircuts
Threaten to literally kill anyone who looks at you that day.
Tell everyone you hate it.
Ignore the problem, get that same haircut forever
Give it a couple of days. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel about your hair and face and body.
You scratched your friends car. You..
Lie. Tell your friend some sad lowly creature scratched the car. Most people say you’re a great driver.
Gaslight. Tell them it was like that before you borrowed the car.
Break down. Tell them you never do anything right and storm off.
Change the subject. Talk about storm clouds or something.
Don’t scratch the car in the first place.
Results:
If you got mostly A’s:
You are a Mrs. Elton fuck up! Mrs. Elton is one of the most uppity characters from Jane Austen’s uppity fiction, Emma. If you want a modern reference, you got Amber from Clueless. This is as modern as I go kids. Mrs. Elton spends most of her time pitying everyone around her and puffing herself up by mentioning compliments from her ‘friends’.
“Must I go first? I really am ashamed of always leading the way.” -Mrs. Elton
“She could be a farmer in those clothes.” -Amber
If you got mostly B’s:
You are a QAnon fuck up! If you got this result please throw your phone into a ravine. Your phone is Mufasa and you are Scar. Long live the King.
If you got mostly C’s:
You are a sad boi fuck up! You’re bringing the room down dude.
If you got mostly D’s:
You are a Jo from Twister fuck up! You are Helen Hunt and you JUST WANT TO STUDY TORNADOES! No matter the risk! Helen Hunt is scared, she’s too fixated on her childhood trauma to take risks for love, she only takes risks for SCIENCE! Idiot.
“Cow” -Helen Hunt
If you got mostly E’s:
You are Mary Fucking Poppins!