Virus Whisperer

I don’t think ‘back to normal’ is going to happen. This shit is like 9/11 or crying at work. There is you before and you after. We can’t go back to before you called your mom a bitch. This is your life now, the great depression may be over but your grandmother still reuses plastic sandwich bags. 

This pandemic has me bringing up the fact that my sister is a nurse far too often. I bring it up a lot. I get that it’s a weird flex but if you would stop saying that masks don’t work and that the vaccine is made of demon babies I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BRING IT UP ALL THE TIME! I’m sorry but someone has to bring up the opinion of any expert in these conversations. Your facebook feed is not an expert. Having your doubts about the effectiveness of masks is not enough evidence for me to stop wearing them. Science is not a trial by jury. Non virologists having their doubts does not make the pandemic a fucking conspiracy. Watch law and order again please.

Back in... February? Who knows, I was in a meeting and a manager said, kind of as a throwaway, ‘Don’t worry, we’re prepared for the pandemic’. I said, ‘um how though?’ Their answer was some sort of staff back up that didn’t make sense as soon as we were hit with an actual crisis. My work keeps trying to put a pin in this covid thing, in June I got an email with the subject, ‘Final Covid Update’. Sure! It’s funny how we keep trying to control this thing like it’s a wild mustang. We’re virus whisperers!* Just quit bein so dang scared Pilgrim!

This year we had to navigate not knowing everything. In April I lost my cousin. We were on a stay at home order and I needed to see my family. We took a risk. I’m so glad that I can look back and say no one got sick and that we didn’t lose anyone else but we took that risk. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it without sitting with my family, telling stories about him. I am so sorry if you had to grieve alone this year or ever. It wasn’t a clear choice, it wasn’t easy, we hesitated, but we decided to be together.  

I want to feel 100% confident in every decision that I make but 2020 has taught me that sometimes you have to move forward in uncertainty. I had to, you had to, scientists had to do this. They had to figure out what the fuck this thing even was and what they should tell the world to do about. They had to move forward and keep learning. Imagine if they had just decided what it was just so they could feel like they knew what they were talking about. You’re not always going to say the right thing or do the right thing but we can keep moving forward without deciding (with no evidence) that the virus is just like the flu or deciding that nothing we say could ever be construed as racist. None of us is the smartest person in the room 100% of the time. We have to be able to operate in the knowledge that maybe we don’t know everything. You don’t have to decide your truth because you feel uncomfortable not knowing everything. 

I have this ability to focus so intently on my own thing and let the outside world just fall away. It’s really nice for falling asleep, coloring, and ignoring shit talk. This ability was much stronger when I was a kid, makes sense right, no social media, no responsibilities. I often have these moments where I kind of wake up and I realize that I’ve missed something that went wrong. When I was in the fifth grade I remember suddenly tuning in to a teacher yelling at me. I don’t know what happened but Mrs Grice was pissed. She thought I was ignoring her when I was really just focused on drawing my dog in the margins of my classwork. I often tell that story like I’m the victim, like she just didn’t understand that that’s the way that I am, but imagine being a fifth grade teacher and this kid is willfully ignoring the shit out of you. The thing is, there are other people in the world. I love the feeling of being in my own little bubble, doing my own thing, but we live in a society and your actions affect other people. 2020 made it difficult to escape and it feels like how Mitch Mcconnell** smells, but I’m still working on bringing that awareness into the next year. 

Resolutions: I get that it’s an interesting choice to make resolutions when the universe just puke-diarrhead all over our plans but we might as well throw shit at the pandemic and see what sticks. What else are you going to do? Just survive?

Yeah I support that too.

1. Don’t let fear or discomfort hold me back. (You’re lucky they were holding me back! You’re lucky bitch!)

2. Ask for feedback from people who are honest

3. Ignore shit talk

4. If covid magically clears, wear shorts on stage

5. Listen to Mrs Grice

6. Whole Ass It

*Googles, ‘How does the horse whisperer whisper the horse?’

**A turtle shell of death